Wednesday, November 18, 2009


No one outside my friends and family reads this blog, so this is probably not news to you--my reader.  I struggle with depression.  Struggle is not really the right word.  Endure is more accurate.

Today I'm functional, but out of step with the rest of the world.  I can feel the pull of the dark clouds coming.  Tomorrow I will probably be useless.  Knowing that has never helped before.

This is my first depressed period since I started this blog.  Maybe blogging my thoughts during the depression will help.  Maybe I can write while depressed.  I've always been able to function, at least minimally, at work through them.  I'm going to try to write it because I'm supposed to be writing right now and I don't think I will be able to write anything else.

The depression is still just creeping in, sneaking in, winding up its destructive force to pounce.  I can feel it in my muscles.  I can reason out it's dark influence on my thoughts and self-talk.  The approach of this storm is familiar.  The smells and sights are well known.

I don't know is where it came from or why it came.  Normally there are emotional triggers.  This time the emotional triggers are quite impotent.  I can hear the depression start to pump up my worries, fears, and frustrations.  But I remember that just yesterday I was quite positive in outlook and feeling good about my chances to overcome the obstacles right in front of me.  So unlike many past depressions, I can calmly say that I don't believe in an emotional trigger this time.

That's not to say that I don't feel like I'm drowning--I certainly do feel that way.  I just know without a shadow of a doubt that I am sitting safely on the beach.  I don't know how long or how well I will be able to hold on to that confidence.

I've done this many times before.  I'm well experienced at feeling like I am drowning while I know that I'm not.  That's the depression.  I've been doing this since the beginnings of puberty.  Dark periods.  Angry phases.  It's a dance that I know well.

I wonder about chemicals or allergies or some neurochemical cycle of ebbs and flows.  My studies were in psychology, not psychiatry.  I don't know or understand the chemistry.  I don't doubt it.  I just don't know.

What I do know is that I cannot risk taking any anti-depressants.  Hereditary CorpoPorphyria doesn't like anti-depressants--really does not like them.  I don't think I got the HCP gene, because it also doesn't like fasting.  But fasting is only a known problem once a patient is symptomatic.  The warnings about fasting are just safety precautions in the name of being cautious, as best as I can tell.  So I don't dare to medicate myself. I'll take the devil I know over the devil I don't.  Thank you very much.

I don't want to be treated differently because I'm having an emotionally dark period right now.  But I will probably be hard to reach for the next few days.  I'm sorry that this will affect you.  Know that I'm doing my best to not let it affect you.

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