I found a new website the other day. It's a new magazine called 'The Good Man Project'. It's focused on the positive and uplifting aspects of manliness. Honor, integrity, strength, respect. No lingerie photos. No pro sports talk.
What does it take to be a good man?
son?
husband?
father?
employee?
boss?
neighbor?
citizen?
There is something of a liberal slant. It's not religious at all. But real men should feel right at home.
I have a few half-finished blog posts that I am thinking about submitting there instead of posting here.
Yes, I write on most days. When you don't see a new post here it's because I couldn't finish the article I was writing. I have no deadlines or goals other than my own need to produce and eye for quality, so I only publish a post when I feel it is done enough.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Adult in Training Youth Ministry Program" v0.1
I previously posted an idea I had for a Youth Ministry "Position Book". One of the people that I had talked to about this remembered it, and he wants to help me take this project to the next stage. So we're going to talk it through some more, refine it, and then present it to Dr. Wilgus when he is back in Austin in September.
Background:
Dr. Ken Wilgus is a believer from the metroplex who works as a youth and family counselor. From his counseling experience he has put together a parenting action plan. His big idea is that the whole point of parenting a teenager is that the parents need to actively prepare the youth for adulthood by granting the youth more and more autonomy and responsibility. Dr. Wilgus calls these youth "adults in training" (AiT).
Dr. Wilgus has a great presentation on this. He likens a teenager to an island nation that is being ruled from afar by the parents. His vision is for the parents to begin granting the teenager limited autonomy in several areas of their lives:
Youth Ministry:
If that is the new model of parenting, then youth ministry needs to be adjusted to match it. To a large degree, youth ministry is an extension of parenting. And just as parents have to adapt and learn new skills in order to carry out this planned withdrawal, youth ministries will need to adapt in order to better fulfill their roles in this new plan.
The New Program:
I am calling this new youth ministry program the "Adult in Training Youth Ministry Program" (AiTYMP). (If you come up with a better name, please share.....) All of this is subject to change, but this is what I think the AiTYMP consist of:
Decision-Making:
When teenagers enter the program they need to be told on the first day that they will be learning decision-making skills in order to learn how to be an adult. That is the point and focus of the program.
There needs to be an outline for how to make godly decisions. Off the top of my head the outline looks something like this:
Roles and Responsibilities:
It is always important for everyone to understand their roles and what everyone else is expecting of them. Here we have a beautiful opportunity to clarify this for everyone. This should provide everyone with peace-of-mind and common vocabulary for the journey. The roles and responsibilities need to be communicated to the parents, especially. This is the first key way in which parents can be brought into the whole Adult in Training program.
Like everything else here, this is all subject to change. But I think that the roles and responsibilities break down like this:
- Youth ministry volunteers:
- Parents:
- Teens:
The Schedule:
If we wait and talk about an issue after the AiT has already faced the temptation then probably they will fail the test and succumb to the temptation. That's why we have to teach and prepare the AiT before they face the various temptations. This will be hard for most parents to accept.
But the youth ministry needs to present each topic before the AiT run into it out in the world. That may mean that almost every topic needs to be covered very very early, in a very high level--because the world is throwing smoking, drugs, sex, rock & roll, pornography, and violence at the kids at a very young age.
This will cause a constant problem that may be the Achilles' heel of the program. AiTs will be taught about every topic before the parents are ready to give them freedom and responsibility in that area. There might be a few early bloomers and liberal parents, but for the great majority of cases the youth program will be the first place that the AiT hear about topics such as:
The Topics:
(You know the list. I'll fill that in later.)
For every social topic that is covered, there are several key questions that must be discussed:
I think that a youth minister is going to have to take this program idea to the leaders of his/her church, and have the leaders of the church discuss and decide on those sin definitions. A youth minister who is left defending definitions that he/she wrote will be out of a job quickly.
This is probably the part of the program that you are most skeptical about. I agree. Before we can say that we have a program at all, we are going to have to write up one or two of these. I think this is the outline:
The Presentation:
Parents should be urged to attend the program entry presentation. Where I said 'published', above, I meant that the parents would be handed these items at the entry presentation. This is what I was referring to as the 'youth ministry position book' in my previous article.
The presentation should be a short form of Dr. Wilgus's presentation. The parents should be invited to participate in an adult learning community like the Parenting Adolsecents class, as a follow-up to the presentation.
Background:
Dr. Ken Wilgus is a believer from the metroplex who works as a youth and family counselor. From his counseling experience he has put together a parenting action plan. His big idea is that the whole point of parenting a teenager is that the parents need to actively prepare the youth for adulthood by granting the youth more and more autonomy and responsibility. Dr. Wilgus calls these youth "adults in training" (AiT).
Dr. Wilgus has a great presentation on this. He likens a teenager to an island nation that is being ruled from afar by the parents. His vision is for the parents to begin granting the teenager limited autonomy in several areas of their lives:
- The clothes they wear.
- The music they listen to.
- Their hair style.
- Their friends.
- Their homework.
- and others.....
Youth Ministry:
If that is the new model of parenting, then youth ministry needs to be adjusted to match it. To a large degree, youth ministry is an extension of parenting. And just as parents have to adapt and learn new skills in order to carry out this planned withdrawal, youth ministries will need to adapt in order to better fulfill their roles in this new plan.
The New Program:
I am calling this new youth ministry program the "Adult in Training Youth Ministry Program" (AiTYMP). (If you come up with a better name, please share.....) All of this is subject to change, but this is what I think the AiTYMP consist of:
- Focus on teaching the AiT decision-making skills.
- A published set of roles and responsibilities for the youth ministers, parents, and teenagers.
- A published schedule of when to cover the various social topics.
- A published outline of what will be presented on each topic:
- - The clear 'sin' boundaries found in Scripture.
- - The range of options that godly people could choose.
- - The youth ministry's recommendation(s).
- A presentation and workbook for parents whose kids enter the program.
- A course for youth ministry volunteers who will be teaching in the program.
Decision-Making:
When teenagers enter the program they need to be told on the first day that they will be learning decision-making skills in order to learn how to be an adult. That is the point and focus of the program.
There needs to be an outline for how to make godly decisions. Off the top of my head the outline looks something like this:
- Study Scripture
- Pray
- Seek godly counsel
- Flee temptations
- Defer decisions whenever possible (in order to keep your options open.)
Roles and Responsibilities:
It is always important for everyone to understand their roles and what everyone else is expecting of them. Here we have a beautiful opportunity to clarify this for everyone. This should provide everyone with peace-of-mind and common vocabulary for the journey. The roles and responsibilities need to be communicated to the parents, especially. This is the first key way in which parents can be brought into the whole Adult in Training program.
Like everything else here, this is all subject to change. But I think that the roles and responsibilities break down like this:
- Youth ministry volunteers:
- Teach the material.
- Offer godly counsel.
- Parents:
- Decide when an AiT is ready for a certain freedom/responsibility.
- Communicate this schedule to their AiT.
- Enforce consequences when an AiT fails to live up to their responsibility.
- Make the final decision on lifestyle options that may be practiced while the AiT is living in the parents' house.
- Teens:
- Communicate their desires for freedom/responsibility to their parents.
- Learn the material.
The Schedule:
If we wait and talk about an issue after the AiT has already faced the temptation then probably they will fail the test and succumb to the temptation. That's why we have to teach and prepare the AiT before they face the various temptations. This will be hard for most parents to accept.
But the youth ministry needs to present each topic before the AiT run into it out in the world. That may mean that almost every topic needs to be covered very very early, in a very high level--because the world is throwing smoking, drugs, sex, rock & roll, pornography, and violence at the kids at a very young age.
This will cause a constant problem that may be the Achilles' heel of the program. AiTs will be taught about every topic before the parents are ready to give them freedom and responsibility in that area. There might be a few early bloomers and liberal parents, but for the great majority of cases the youth program will be the first place that the AiT hear about topics such as:
- pornography
- family violence
- drugs
- suicide
- etc.
The Topics:
(You know the list. I'll fill that in later.)
For every social topic that is covered, there are several key questions that must be discussed:
- What are God's boundaries (at what points are you sinning)?
- If there is room for interpretation on that boundary, then why do we interpret the way we do?
- What does temptation in this area look like?
- How do you know if you are being tempted to sin?
- If you have fallen to temptation in this area, how should you change your behavior to guard against continuing to sin?
- If someone you know has fallen to temptation in this area, how should you treat them?
- What are the types of options that you could choose, without sinning?
- What factors should you consider when making this decision for yourself?
I think that a youth minister is going to have to take this program idea to the leaders of his/her church, and have the leaders of the church discuss and decide on those sin definitions. A youth minister who is left defending definitions that he/she wrote will be out of a job quickly.
This is probably the part of the program that you are most skeptical about. I agree. Before we can say that we have a program at all, we are going to have to write up one or two of these. I think this is the outline:
- Topic
- Relevant Scriptures
- Clear sin situations (we would doubt the salvation of anyone who argued these)
- Debatable sin situations (might be sin or could lead to sin very easily, but we would not exclude anyone from full fellowship over these.)
- Our congregation's suggested boundaries / lifestyle / practice for a sin-free life.
- Recommendations for someone caught in this sin.
The Presentation:
Parents should be urged to attend the program entry presentation. Where I said 'published', above, I meant that the parents would be handed these items at the entry presentation. This is what I was referring to as the 'youth ministry position book' in my previous article.
The presentation should be a short form of Dr. Wilgus's presentation. The parents should be invited to participate in an adult learning community like the Parenting Adolsecents class, as a follow-up to the presentation.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Adolescent meltdowns
If you have an adolescent (11-14 year old) then you need to read this article that Christy found.
I had a chat with my adolescent the other day, after a meltdown. I explained to him that part of the changes going on in his body as he was growing was that he was feeling his emotions more forcefully than he had in the past. I explained that this isn't a temporary thing, this is the new normal. One of the skills he has to learn in order to survive and become an adult is gaining control of these emotions.
That seemed to help. It gave him a frame of reference for future meltdowns, and helped him evaluate his own behavior.
The strategy in the above article will help, too.
I had a chat with my adolescent the other day, after a meltdown. I explained to him that part of the changes going on in his body as he was growing was that he was feeling his emotions more forcefully than he had in the past. I explained that this isn't a temporary thing, this is the new normal. One of the skills he has to learn in order to survive and become an adult is gaining control of these emotions.
That seemed to help. It gave him a frame of reference for future meltdowns, and helped him evaluate his own behavior.
The strategy in the above article will help, too.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Youth ministry idea: Position Book
My BA is in Christian Ministry from ETBU, and I did a year and a semester towards my M.Div. at New Orleans Seminary before family happened and I ended up getting a real job. I had started school expecting to go pastor and church-plant on the mission field. When I went to seminary that plan had morphed into teaching Bible Interpretation, maybe in the US but probably on the mission field.
I was never a youth ministry guy. I fumbled my way through a summer missions stint as a youth pastor at a little church in Idaho. But kids were never my calling.
Now I have a kid in youth group. I was talking to some friends today about their kids in youth group. I got a fresh perspective on the struggles and issues of running a youth ministry. I have a new understanding of one of the big mostly-hidden problems of youth ministry. And I have an idea how the problem might be solved.
Youth ministry involves teaching people's kids. Those kids' parents come from a diverse background. They have very different opinions on things like music, clothes, dating, movies, food, etc. These are not really Bible issues. The Bible only speaks to these issues indirectly. I think that the topics I'm concerned about here are really "social" issues--how should a godly person live in an ungodly society?
These are topics that the kids are desperate to talk about. They need guidance on these topics. And they probably are not getting that guidance at home--or they are not listening to their parents. So it is entirely appropriate for the youth ministry folks to talk about these topics. But what should they say?
In about sixth grade my Sunday school class had a revolving door of substitute teachers. At one point we had three different teachers on three consecutive weeks. And all three teachers took it upon themselves to talk about sex. I don't remember the sequence, but one preached abstinence, another preached safe sex, and another tried to tell us that homosexuality wasn't all that bad. I'm pretty sure that none of the parents had any idea that was happening. Actually, I'm pretty sure that these substitute teachers didn't clear that topic with anyone.
That's an extreme example, but I'm sure that stuff happens all the time. The other thing that I'm sure happens all the time is that parents hear (or overhear) some snippet of what was discussed and then jump to conclusions and get all bent out of shape. One of my friends today was upset that the youth group had talked about one of these social topics with his kids. It happened to be a social topic that he and his wife had just spent several weeks arguing with their child over. My friend was pretty upset.
We talked for a while and figured out that the real issue wasn't that the youth ministry folks talked about that particular topic--although some warning would be nice. The real issue is that he doesn't know what kind of advice his child was given.
Christy and I recently went through a parenting seminar and class, and we have a vision of what this period of parenting should entail. And every kid is going to grow up at their own pace. What might be appropriate for one child at one time will not likely be appropriate for another child at the same time. So some parent or another is always going to be scandalized that their child isn't ready to discuss this or that. How can a youth ministry move forward?
Now I understand what most of them do. They talk a good game to parents about how they want the parents involved and informed, and then they don't really tell the parents what the parents want to know. Parents seem to be willing to let the sleeping dog lie, and so there is this mutual deception going on. You pretend to tell us what is going on and we'll pretend that we approve. But when the inevitable happens and a parent actually finds out what is being taught they get all upset.
I have an idea of how it might be done differently.
A youth ministry could generate (over time, with parent input) a "Position Book". This book would contain the official stated teaching positions of the ministry team on all social issues. Clothing, music, movies, dating, non-Christian friends, etc. What will we teach your kids? When will we start teaching each topic? How much will we encourage the children to form their own opinions and experiment for themselves? Will we give parents warning before we cover a topic?
The parents should get a copy of the position book, and have the opportunity to input on it.
The Position Book should also be accompanied by a vision training session for the parents and youth. This seminar session should lay out the vision that the youth are really "adults in training" and that they have to start getting exposed to more and more options so they can start learning to make up their own minds. I would use Ken Wilgus's map and the concept of strategic withdrawal in this vision session. And the teaching times for these social topics would be organized along a time table slightly ahead of where "average" kids should start gaining some independence in an area.
When these teaching times came up the teachers should be well familiar with the position statements on the topic. The topic should be introduced with references to the strategic withdrawal and the idea that the youths will all vary a little on exactly when their parents decide give each youth increased freedom and responsibility in that area.
I think that this would get parents and youth staff onto the same page better than any system/process that I have ever heard of. This would make communication so much easier, and could really facilitate better parenting--by keeping parents on a program of strategic withdrawal. Since attending Wilgus's seminar I have thought that this concept should be taught to the youth so they could gain the language and a safe location to discuss it. The youth could start talking about how they were gaining freedom and accepting responsibility, which I suspect would greatly help most of them.
Update 2/17/2010 @ 11pm: I sent an email to Dr. Wilgus about this idea (through Frank Childers--thanks, Frank!) Dr. Wilgus replied and said that he liked the idea and that his home church youth ministry was starting to use his stuff as a communication tool between students, parents, and the youth ministry staff. He expressed some doubts about whether or not it is possible to write position statements that would not scare off some parents. That's a great point. So I think that has to be the first to-do on the whole position statement idea. I'm going to have to write one on a controversial topic and shop it around. I'll just add that to my to-do list. :-)
I was never a youth ministry guy. I fumbled my way through a summer missions stint as a youth pastor at a little church in Idaho. But kids were never my calling.
Now I have a kid in youth group. I was talking to some friends today about their kids in youth group. I got a fresh perspective on the struggles and issues of running a youth ministry. I have a new understanding of one of the big mostly-hidden problems of youth ministry. And I have an idea how the problem might be solved.
Youth ministry involves teaching people's kids. Those kids' parents come from a diverse background. They have very different opinions on things like music, clothes, dating, movies, food, etc. These are not really Bible issues. The Bible only speaks to these issues indirectly. I think that the topics I'm concerned about here are really "social" issues--how should a godly person live in an ungodly society?
These are topics that the kids are desperate to talk about. They need guidance on these topics. And they probably are not getting that guidance at home--or they are not listening to their parents. So it is entirely appropriate for the youth ministry folks to talk about these topics. But what should they say?
In about sixth grade my Sunday school class had a revolving door of substitute teachers. At one point we had three different teachers on three consecutive weeks. And all three teachers took it upon themselves to talk about sex. I don't remember the sequence, but one preached abstinence, another preached safe sex, and another tried to tell us that homosexuality wasn't all that bad. I'm pretty sure that none of the parents had any idea that was happening. Actually, I'm pretty sure that these substitute teachers didn't clear that topic with anyone.
That's an extreme example, but I'm sure that stuff happens all the time. The other thing that I'm sure happens all the time is that parents hear (or overhear) some snippet of what was discussed and then jump to conclusions and get all bent out of shape. One of my friends today was upset that the youth group had talked about one of these social topics with his kids. It happened to be a social topic that he and his wife had just spent several weeks arguing with their child over. My friend was pretty upset.
We talked for a while and figured out that the real issue wasn't that the youth ministry folks talked about that particular topic--although some warning would be nice. The real issue is that he doesn't know what kind of advice his child was given.
Christy and I recently went through a parenting seminar and class, and we have a vision of what this period of parenting should entail. And every kid is going to grow up at their own pace. What might be appropriate for one child at one time will not likely be appropriate for another child at the same time. So some parent or another is always going to be scandalized that their child isn't ready to discuss this or that. How can a youth ministry move forward?
Now I understand what most of them do. They talk a good game to parents about how they want the parents involved and informed, and then they don't really tell the parents what the parents want to know. Parents seem to be willing to let the sleeping dog lie, and so there is this mutual deception going on. You pretend to tell us what is going on and we'll pretend that we approve. But when the inevitable happens and a parent actually finds out what is being taught they get all upset.
I have an idea of how it might be done differently.
A youth ministry could generate (over time, with parent input) a "Position Book". This book would contain the official stated teaching positions of the ministry team on all social issues. Clothing, music, movies, dating, non-Christian friends, etc. What will we teach your kids? When will we start teaching each topic? How much will we encourage the children to form their own opinions and experiment for themselves? Will we give parents warning before we cover a topic?
The parents should get a copy of the position book, and have the opportunity to input on it.
The Position Book should also be accompanied by a vision training session for the parents and youth. This seminar session should lay out the vision that the youth are really "adults in training" and that they have to start getting exposed to more and more options so they can start learning to make up their own minds. I would use Ken Wilgus's map and the concept of strategic withdrawal in this vision session. And the teaching times for these social topics would be organized along a time table slightly ahead of where "average" kids should start gaining some independence in an area.
When these teaching times came up the teachers should be well familiar with the position statements on the topic. The topic should be introduced with references to the strategic withdrawal and the idea that the youths will all vary a little on exactly when their parents decide give each youth increased freedom and responsibility in that area.
I think that this would get parents and youth staff onto the same page better than any system/process that I have ever heard of. This would make communication so much easier, and could really facilitate better parenting--by keeping parents on a program of strategic withdrawal. Since attending Wilgus's seminar I have thought that this concept should be taught to the youth so they could gain the language and a safe location to discuss it. The youth could start talking about how they were gaining freedom and accepting responsibility, which I suspect would greatly help most of them.
Update 2/17/2010 @ 11pm: I sent an email to Dr. Wilgus about this idea (through Frank Childers--thanks, Frank!) Dr. Wilgus replied and said that he liked the idea and that his home church youth ministry was starting to use his stuff as a communication tool between students, parents, and the youth ministry staff. He expressed some doubts about whether or not it is possible to write position statements that would not scare off some parents. That's a great point. So I think that has to be the first to-do on the whole position statement idea. I'm going to have to write one on a controversial topic and shop it around. I'll just add that to my to-do list. :-)
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